Why Me?

I’m not the only one who has asked this question.  Have you?

In the first few months after Mike died I have to admit I was in a bubble.  It was all about me.  Why me?  Why did this happen to me?  I went back and forth from denial – this can’t really be happening.  To anger – this is not fair.

I’ve heard that life isn’t fair.  But when it’s your turn for life to not be fair, it basically sucks.

I have had time to process what happened and to “acknowledge” (not accept) that this happened.  Mike died.  I became a widow.

The hard part is being able to deal with your new life.  To put your shoes on everyday and make it through this unexpected reality.

It’s not the life you asked for.  You didn’t plan for this.  It just happened.  You can continue to question and be sad.  Or you can try to move forward and just deal with it the best way you can.

Attitude affects so many things in life.  It took a major tragedy in my life to realize that.  I can not change what happened.  I can only train my brain to deal with the life I now have.  To embrace it and not dwell on the past.

I sometimes think I am doing well.  I am making new friends and keeping myself busy.  I am finding joy in my daily life even if I still don’t like waking up in the morning. I am working and doing what I am supposed to do to make sure my kids have what they need.

Sometimes I am even happy.

But there are those moments when I get angry, and think, why me? Why did my husband have to die? Why didn’t he get to retire with me and travel and live happily ever after now that the kids are older? Why isn’t he here to talk sports and help me understand politics? Why don’t I get to have my kids’ dad here to go to weddings and become a grandparent with me?  Why me?

So I have waves like this sometimes.

Then I think of other people and realize I am not alone.

In fact, this past Sunday I had a major slap on the face as I realized how many people are affected by breast cancer.  I participated in the American Cancer Society’s Making Strides against Breast Cancer walk at Jones Beach in Wantagh, New York.  I joined 65,000 other people wearing pink and walking in support or memory of a loved one affected by breast cancer.  They raised 2.5 million dollars in their 24th year of this walk for breast cancer research.  Each person I passed on the boardwalk had someone in their heart that they were praying and hoping for.

I am sure that many of the women, including the ones I was walking with, were fighting this damn cancer as well.

Why me?  Did they sometimes think that?  I bet they do.

We all have moments when we have a struggle.

Death in the family, sickness, surgeries, accidents, troubles at work, troubles with family – the list goes on and we all have them.  But not all the time.

I feel better spending time this past weekend making an effort to be supportive.  I have been the recipient for support for quite some time.  Maybe it is time for me to reciprocate.

I am looking forward to finding some opportunities to give back.  I think that is the best way to get rid of the Why ME syndrome.

What can I do and who can I help?  I’m planning to attend the acts of kindness committee meeting this week at work. That’s a start.

I’m also planning to get a mammography and colonoscopy this month.  My plan is to keep that Why ME question at bay for as long as possible.  What are you doing to help yourself this month?

Click here to donate to Making Strides – Breast Cancer Research

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