How to Survive the Holidays after the Loss of a Loved One

“I am totally not decorating this year!”

That’s what I said the first time I drove past someone’s festively decorated home the day after Thanksgiving.

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That first Thanksgiving without my husband was the toughest.  I was not prepared.  I don’t think I could have been.   My brother in law and his wife generously offered to make all the food and bring it over to my house.  My boys were home from college and my in-laws wanted to see them.

I provided the wine which I started drinking very early that day.  It was awkward.  We all missed Mike but didn’t know how to approach his absence.  We ate.  We talked about stuff.  Some of us drank a bit too much.  We were together and not alone so that helped.

I remember wanting to just spend the day in my pajamas and order a pizza but I went along with the tradition of having family together.  I cried all weekend.  Grief is hard and the holidays only get worse.

This year will be different for many of us as we limit the size of our get togethers due to the COVID-19 pandemic.  We will be happy to see 2020 shut the door, and we are hopeful that 2021 will leave the chaos of riots, the polarity of the election, and the wariness of the virus behind.

For people dealing with the first holiday season without a loved one, this time of year can be just simply awful. My first year as a widow I practiced the title of this blog and was a runawaywidow after that first holiday.

For Christmas I booked a week long cruise to the Caribbean with my 2 sons.  We slept together in a tiny cabin with 3 bunks.  Eating and drinking in the sunshine was different from a week in New York and we even swam with dolphins on Christmas morning.  I had been determined to do something different.  In addition, I did not send cards.  I did not decorate my house.  I did not buy presents for anyone. I did not go to church. I just disappeared or ran away from the idea of the holiday.

Widows get a pass that first year so take it if you need it.

As the dates get closer I may have waves where the grief hits me again.  They still come unexpectedly but I have learned to ride them. I know to let the feelings hit and that I will be OK.

Learning to acknowledge my feelings and not always run away from them has been difficult. I love the analogy that my aunt sent me after my husband died and I became an unexpected widow.  

That the journey through grief is like treading down a road with potholes.  In the beginning, the holes are big and wide.  It seems you may never get out.  Over time, the potholes are still there, but they do get smaller and come along less frequently.

Knowing that waves of sadness or tears will come, and that “this too shall pass” allows me to keep moving forward. Here are some suggestions that have helped me get through grief during the holidays when it is getting tough.

1. Listen to  positive affirmations on  “Think up” app – I program the recording with my voice and inspiring music.

2. Name at least 3 things you are thankful for.  Research has shown that keeping a gratitude journal “Benefits associated with gratitude include better sleep, more exercise, reduced symptoms of physical pain, lower levels of inflammation, lower blood pressure and a host of other things we associate with better health,” said Glenn Fox, an expert in the science of gratitude at the USC Marshall School of Business.

3. Take a walk outside – fresh air and being out in nature 

4. Watch a favorite movie like “Titanic” or “Hair”  – Those movies don’t end well so you know, life could always be worse.

5. Call a friend or family member.  Maybe they need to hear from me too.  I don’t always  like to make the call, but once I am on the phone, I love catching up with loved ones.  

6. Play with my puppy. He makes me laugh. Sometimes I dress him up.  He loves to play fetch or tug of war.  He is quite good at sniffing so taking him outside for a walk is good for both of us.

7. Take a nap.  Especially as the days are shorter and colder.  Some days it just feel wonderful to take a midday nap. 

8. Go to Costco – This may just be my thing, but I love the openness of the warehouse store.  Browsing at all the cool stuff from TVs to diamonds, sweaters to kitchen appliances, sports equipment, books and Christmas decorations are such a joy to me! Even though tasting is not allowed now, new foods are always proven to be tasty and the cooked rotisserie chickens are a deal.

9. Pull some weeds or do yard work.   Get grounded with the earth. Leaves still seem to be falling and the gardens look pitiful.  A bit of effort makes the yard look better and is a good workout for me I like to tell myself.

10. Read a book.  Buying books is no longer necessary as I have discovered the Kindle and Libby apps on my phone.  With my library membership I can download books to my ipad and many are available in audible so I listen to them while I walk or exercise.  Finishing the book is important if you want to participate at Book Club.

11. Listen to music. Do you have an Alexa or Echo in your home? I love that you can now just tell it to play a song or genre of music you like and – viola! instant playlist.  Just not sure what to do with all those CDs and boom boxes in the garage.

It’s the most wonderful time of the year, except when it isn’t.

Visiting family at Christmas will be nice. I know I deserve it after teaching Kindergarten for this past month!   Holidays come and go.  I noticed that the anticipation of those dates is often worse than the actually date.  Making plans in advance for something different may help, as well as surrounding yourself with friends and family.

Thanks for reading my blog and sharing my journey.

Do you have any suggestions for dealing with the holidays when you don’t always feel up to it?