How to cope with the loss of a spouse – Year One

My bereavement group provided us with handouts on ways to deal with our grief.  This support group meets for eight weeks for an hour and a half in the evening.  My group is made up of 12 women who have lost their husbands in the past year.  We are all similar in age, which is helpful, and there is one facilitator.  

The first week everyone tells their difficult story and there are lots of tears.  Some deaths were sudden and some were long sicknesses. Although we each experienced different ways our husband’s died,  we are all grieving and learning how cope after this loss.

The support group provides guidance in the grieving process. During the first year, many of us experience a widow fog or inability to think clearly. A facilitator often has training or experience with stages of grief and can help us navigate the difficult emotions and painful memories.

Signs of complicated grief would be severe depression or inability to function in daily life. If you or a friend experiences mental health issues that will not go away, seeking assistance from a grief counselor or licensed mental health professional may be helpful.

During year one, you are sure to experience waves of grief, followed by some normalcy. I discovered early on that my grief was complicated, so I sought the help of professionals. But even with their guidance, I made a concerted effort each day to move forward with my life.

No one should have to deal with pressure to move on after painful loss. Everyone deals with grief in different ways.

Time doesn’t heal the pain, but after a while, it doesn’t hurt as hard or as often as it does during the first year. In year two, you do begin to understand that he is not coming back and that still hurts. But when you are ready, it is important to face the reality of your new normal in your new life.

Practical ways to deal with anxiety and grief

1. Yoga – It’s been helpful at times for centering my thoughts and feeling good. The stretching and movement is important. Doing an online class or joining a studio are great options.  Of course the time I was the only one in the class, and the male teacher had me close my eyes, and then sang to me while playing the guitar was a bit weird, but most of the time I like yoga. Healing with weekenders and yoga ladies.

 2. Meditation – I’m not that “good” at it so I find guided meditations on the Youtube app of my phone and listen to them. The benefits of spending even two minutes a day sitting quietly and focusing on the present, following your breath, include less stress, better sleep, and can even lower blood pressure and cholesterol levels.  I especially like listening to Jason Stevenson’s guided imagery available on YouTube.

3. Acupuncture – This has really helped me with relaxing and relieving stress. Health reports state acupuncture can help alleviate physical pain as well as anxiety. Read more here:  Acupuncture – Healing for physical pain to depression to infertility. Worth a try?

4. Connect with others – Keeping busy with other people is important. I work during the day and meet with colleagues regularly during lunch to discuss our Kindergarten curriculum and more.  I started playing bridge each week with some neighbors and took a mahjong class at the library. I joined a book club so I have reading to do and meet up with the women once a month. Walking with a few neighbors in the morning is another way to connect with people.

Social media has opportunities to interact with other widows on line. I have met some interesting people in Facebook groups and even traveled with one group.

5. Travel (plan a distraction) – I planned many trips during that first year: My oldest son and I took a road trip to Florida, Mississippi, Tennessee to visit family and my youngest son at college.  For Christmas we did something different and took a cruise to Mexico. For my husband’s July birthday, we took a trip to Cape Cod and New Hampshire. My son and I spent Easter in Colorado.   skiing. And in anticipation of the one year death Anniversary I spent 2 weeks in Thailand, Having trips to look forward to kept me going on my saddest days.

6. Therapy – I have been seeing  licensed grief mental health professional every two weeks and did EMDR for therapy regarding PTSD.  I visited my medical doctor regarding my heart health.  Visiting people in the medical community along with acupuncture and yoga specialists helps me verbalize my feelings and how I am approaching my future.

7. Get a puppy – Harry is so cute and keeps me company.  My last dog died two years ago and we had not planned on getting another one. After Mike died, it seemed like a perfect idea to keep me company, get me outside to give him walks and have something to care about. Harry is so happy to see me when I come home and snuggles in bed with me at night. I must admit, he rescued me, this little puppy.

8. Shop– Yes, I have done some shopping on line and enjoy getting packages delivered. Amazon has been my friend and helped put a smile on my saddest days.  I am wearing better clothes than I have in years and it does make me feel better to look nice.  I even found Happiness at Bed, Bath and Beyond. It’s fun to redecorate the house any way I want.

9. Have a reading from a Psychic Medium – I felt this to be very comforting.  I have had several readings and the messages and details that they were able to provide me with made me feel that Mike is still here in spirit and I have come to look for and notice signs that he is still with me. Why reaching out to Psychic Mediums in grief can be comforting

10. Walk – Taking walks is great exercise which always makes me feel better. Sometimes I talk to my late husband and imagine what advice he would give me. Sometimes I walk with friends which is nice for chatting with others. My walks with the dog are usually not too long as Harry prefers to stop and smell the bushes every 10 steps.

11. Start a new tradition in my loved one’s memory – I decided to honor his memory on his birthday, the 4th of July, by celebrating his life with family, remembering good times and eating ice cream.  On the anniversary of his death, I will make a donation to a charity in his name like I did this past August to Destiny Rescue.

12. Read about Grief – I searched so hard in the beginning to learn how to cope.  I needed to listen and learn from other people’s grief.  Although friends and family were supportive,  it was important to not feel so alone on this path.  Many people have lost a spouse and it is not a fun club to be in. I discovered several blogs on line, I joined a few Facebook widow support groups and I also collected and read books. It all helps.   10 Best Grief books

13. Work – It gets me out of bed. Having a place to go to that needs you each day can be very healing.  Hopefully you can find a job you like with people you like. Maybe even a part-time job or regular volunteer opportunity will keep you busy and is a good distraction; in fact at times work can be fun.

14.  Join a Bereavement Group – The hospice network or GriefShare offer groups for people experiencing a loss.  The group I went to was for 8 weeks with a group of 12 widows of similar age.  During the meetings we had a chance to share and discussions were led by a certified counselor.  In addition, ongoing meetings are available for members to attend with a variety of topics.

15.  Journal – I found that writing in my journal was a good way for me to express myself and let out my feelings.  I wrote letters to my husband, telling him all the things that I never got to say.  I also had him write back to me.  I knew what he would tell and it made me feel better.

So these are some of the more positive actions that I took to cope this past year. Would love to hear any other suggestions.  I am moving into year 2 and will probably need to find some new ideas.

For more ideas check out my book: No Simple Highway- a widow’s journey to seek justice for her husband’s death.