This question has been burning in my mind since August of 2015 when Mike died. Do I stay in our home, or do I move? The answer is different for all widows and much needs to be considered. Here is what I know.
While widows and widowers all have one thing in common, everyone has a different story and a different situation. The one bit of advice that I found helpful after the sudden tragic loss of my husband was to wait a year before making any major life changes.
FINANCIAL
For most widows, finances will play a pivotal part in any decisions made after the death of a spouse. If a life insurance policy is available, it may take a few months to have access to the money. Using that money to pay off medical or credit card debts will be most helpful. If the policy is enough to cover an outstanding mortgage, this is something to consider for peace of mind as far as monthly bill are concerned.
If the spouse was over 60, social security monthly payments may be available which will help secure money to be paid for monthly bills. The facts surrounding social security payments can be confusing. When children under the age of 18 are involved, social security benefits may be available. Best to speak to an agent as soon as possible.
In my situation, we were both only 51 years old, so I was facing a loss of half our monthly take home pay. My kids were over the age of 18 and I missed out on the $250 social security benefit I was entitled to as a widow due to ignorance.
I loved my home but still had a very large mortgage, a son just starting college, four cars with loans and insurance fees and plenty of other monthly bills as well.
My small life insurance policy, once I was finally able to get it, helped meet the monthly payments. I knew it would not last forever, but it would only be enough for a year or two.
EMOTIONAL
Each widow feels differently about her home after the death of a spouse. Some refuse to sleep in the same bedroom and may leave his things exactly as they were. Others clear it all out soon and try their best to put it in the past and not dwell on the loss.
Memories of the home and raising a family together can be comforting or painful. The photos and reminders are always there.
More difficult for me was the fact that everyone knew that my husband had died tragically across the street from my house. I was pursuing an wrongful death lawsuit and was reminded of that terrible night over and over. I refused to move in part because I did not want to be traumatized away from the home we had loved. I was determined not to let these circumstances scare me away from the home of our dreams.
Mike and I had often sat on our front deck, looking out at the water view, pinching ourselves how lucky we were to live here. I would not let this awful event change that feeling. In addition to loving my home, the support of the best neighbors and my job as a kindergarten teacher with understanding and cooperative colleagues a mile up the road, made life manageable for me after the loss.
For the first 6 months, I kept the photo poster boards from the funeral in a chair by a sunny window and spent time remembering our life together. I slowly emptied his closet and drawers during that first year; donating some items, giving some to family and stashing away a few items. Eventually the photos went into an album.
Once I realized that I could stay in my house a little longer, I made some renovations. Our dream house that we had bought together, became my dreamhouse; designed the way I had always wanted it to look. I love my new open concept kitchen and a laundry area on the 3rd floor next to my bedroom. After 15 years, the house is finally the way I want it – and with kids moved out and a super helpful new husband, it even stays clean!
SOCIAL
Well, after a year of social distancing with COVID and an early retirement, I must say my social life has changed. I always enjoyed working and having lunch and collaborating with colleagues. We planned after school happy hours and some parties during the year which I readily attended. While I still “see” many friends on Facebook, this type of social life from home sure has been different.
I have always been in one or two book clubs and even those we have done on Zoom this year. The holidays came and went and we celebrated with my kids, no extended family. Things are changing slowly but I’m not sure it will ever be the same.
My social life is changing now too. I’m retired and I am married to a fabulously wonderful man who is retired as well. We spent 5 weeks in Florida this winter and decided that maybe we didn’t need to live in cold New York in a 3 story house anymore. Ideas of snowbirding and maintaining two homes which was our original plan, now seemed unnecessary.
We did some house hunting and found a beautiful one story home in an active Florida community. This gated neighborhood includes a golf course, pools, gyms, exercise classes, clubs, walking trails, outdoor dining and events, and white sandy beaches nearby. I had thought we would hold onto two houses, but with my sister living 5 miles from our new home, I decided it is finally time to say goodbye to New York.
I’ve been fortunate and got to do things on my time line as far as grieving goes. It has been difficult at times and there are times when I still have waves of sadness over the loss of Mike and most recently the loss of my mom. I’ve learned that when those moments come, I let them wash over me. I appreciate the love and loss. And then I move forward, again.
At this point I am excited for a new path. Pete and I will be starting our life in this home together. I’m looking forward to decorating “our” dream house and we will create our social life conducive for our lifestyle. I’m not sure what that will look like. We already met some friendly neighbors on our new street. I am drawn to the possibility of volunteering with animals. Not sure if my 20 years of teaching kindergarten will be helpful for that, but maybe it will.
In conclusion, my thoughts on whether widows should move are as follows:
- If financially able, wait one year before making any major life changes.
- Hire an accountant to help you understand your finances and do be slow to give away assets to family.
- It is your timeline, don’t let others persuade you one way or the other.
- Consider your emotional well being, will leaving this home be too upsetting now or will a fresh start be just what you need.
- Consider your social life, can you easily interact with friends and family?
- Do you have a job or do you need to get one? Proximity to work is important.
- Would an over 55 community help you adjust to changes in your social life? You may feel uncomfortable with your old “couples” friends now and need support with new groups and activities.
- Be wary of moving immediately in with a child. It may be a great idea but guard your own individuality. You don’t want to be the on call babysitter and you may also feel uncomfortable if you…start to date!
I’d love to hear your story about moving or staying put after the death of your spouse. What has worked or not worked out for you?
Check out my memoir on moving forward after loss:
NO Simple Highway – a widow’s journey to seek justice for her husband’s death
27 Responses
Just sent your blog to my friend who lost her husband suddenly the same month she retired after working for 36 years. Hoping your blog will help provide some comfort. While of course I am happy for you and Pete, I will surely miss you at book club and beach. All good thoughts coming your way.
Thank you Liz. Maybe I can still zoom in and I’ll be back in the summer for some beach time!
I am 2 years out. I live on a small rural island on a few acres of land. Everybody felt I should move. I decided to give it a year. I am so glad I did. Being quarantined here and now, retired, I have developed a new found like be of this property. Its very hard but the hard work is do good for me. For the first time, like you, I can decorate the house anyway I want and am enjoying doing it. The only problem thing s I have started dating. Im worried they will fill awkward. I have 2 pictures put of my husband with our son’s and grandsons. I think it comforts them when they are here.
Any thoughts?
I am at that one year mark. OK for now. Still much to consider. Your words help to know I am not alone in so many of my thoughts. Loved the pic! Good luck in Florida. It represents another part of your journey. Keep writing!
Yes. One year is tough and no rush to make any changes. Thanks for reading.
Great post and such important information to consider at every stage of moving forward from a loss. So happy for you both on your journey together to a warmer climate!
Thanks Karen. It’s definitely been a journey and we are looking forward to our next chapter!!
I am staying put and living with my beautiful memories.
Such a really good post about a very difficult decision! I built a new home last year, five years after the loss of my husband, and moved from “our” dream home to my new dream home. It is a bit of a down size in living area, but I added a 2nd floor for all my sewing activities! So I now have my own “She shed”! It was a little scary, but I made well thought out decisions, and the end result is wonderful. I agree that if possible don’t make any major life changes for a while after loss, as we first must find a new reality to know what direction we want to take. And I have already made a new best friend there! Win win!
Thanks Donna. Your new home sounds wonderful and I’m so glad you’ve made new friends there too – that part concerns me as I’ll miss so many friends here but I’ll start out with my sister and that will be wonderful. Thanks for your comment!
Hi! Just at the five month mark to my husbands tragic death. But I want to stay !! So far anyway!
I am not new to death. My mom passed when I was young and that was something that changed my life and we moved ..
That was not easy and we always questioned if it was the better move . So when this happened I really wanted to stop prior to doing anything I will regret.
This is a big enough move for me as is . Without any choices.
Love the article!! Reading what people reply. I know I am not alone e. I know there are many people in the world that have it harder than I.
I at least have had true love in my life this I carry in my heart forever! ❤
Thank you for reading. Moving is a big decision. I think waiting until you feel comfortable with the decision and some time has passed is the key.
Absolutely – good way to focus is on the true love you had in life. I did not move right away either, but after retiring from my job, it seemed like the right move for me. All the best advisors say wait a year to make any big decisions. Thanks for reading and commenting.
I sold my home 6 months after he died, at the top of the market, and rent a lovely maintained 3 bedroom apartment near 2 daughters. At 84, a huge yard was more than I could handle. I eat lunch at our Senior Center 5 minutes away… hate to cook! Am content and at peace with my choices.
Sounds like you made a great choice and so nice to live near your daughters too. Thanks for tour comment.
I’m just two months into this unwanted journey but I will definitely wait one year before making any major decisions. I live in Florida and have children and grandchildren near by. Finances are good and at 73 I’m in good health. So I’m cleaning out some closets and staying busy. My new motto is “Never say never”.
So sorry for your loss. I’m enjoying my life here in Florida and I agree. Keep busy and enjoy life as much as you can. ❤️
I am only 72 hours into the loss of my 61 year old husband. (He passed June 9, 2022.) In July we would have been married 42 years. I’m very confused, scared, sad….I guess you could say overwhelmed. I have the love and support of our three grown children, two with wonderful spouses. I have been told it’s not wise to make any life changing decisions within the first year. I can see the wisdom in that advice. Thank you for reading my message.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Yes. It’s early now – take advantage of the support from friends and family and it’s a good idea to wait with big decisions like moving. Thanks for reading my blog💕
Thank you for your post. I lost my husband unexpectedly three years ago. We were both 53 and had three daughters, 21, 16 and 14. I was able to stay in our home thanks to his life insurance and I have a good paying job. My oldest moved out in January and I basically panicked because she was my rock. My middle was in college and my youngest graduated this year. I put the house up for sale and it sold in three days. I’m in our new home, much smaller, older with a lot of problems, and I’m regretting it. My therapist says I was not ready to move because I had spent my time caring for my girls instead of letting myself grieve. So now leaving our home that we built together and raised our kids is absolutely killing me. I didn’t realize how much it comforted me being close to the familiarly of our home and all our memories. I wish I could take it back.
I’m so sorry for your loss and feelings of regret. If there’s no way to change the past, it’s best to keep moving forward. Decorate your new home with something you love – I picked out a black farmhouse sink I just loved to make my house mine. Baby steps and hugs my friend💕
I feel your pain..Im 3 1/2 yrs. in after my husband’s suicide. We were married 31 yrs. He was only 50, I 48. I sold our family home where we raised our 3 sons, 1 year after the incident. I THOUGHT leaving wld get me away from the trauma that happened there. Only it just followed me here on the secluded acreage I bought that bks up into a state forest. I HAD to deal with all HIS drama he left behind before I cld begin to even enjoy the new home I’m in now. I do yearn for my old home & get quite angry at him & myself too, for saling it..but I HAVE 2 REMIND MYSELF..all those memories of my babies first walks, first days of getting on the bus etc. are IN MY ❤️ not in the house. Good luck, & prayers 💓🌻🌹
So hard to make that decision whether to move or not. In your new home take the positive memories and build on making new ones. Leave the others behind. They will sneak up anyway, but keep focusing no what is your life and love to you and your family. ❤️