Helpful Ways to Comfort your Recently Widowed Friend.

The loss of a spouse is considered one of the most stressful life events a person can experience.

The line of fellow mourners who came to pay their respects to my family at my husband’s wake was overwhelming.  It was all arranged so quickly and happened so fast, I felt like I was not really there. I spoke to people, but felt like I was just watching this happen from someplace else.  Over and over people said, “please call me if there is anything I can do”. That was nice, but I had no idea what they could do.

I have never felt comfortable speaking to the people who have just lost a loved one.  Many of the wakes or funerals I have attended were for the passing of a friend’s parent.  The tragic ones like the death of a young mother or child are terribly sad and there is really nothing you can say to help the matter, it is just so sad.

But what about when your friend’s spouse dies. How can you help? 

Sending a sympathy card shows your support. If you can, personalize the card by mentioning the late husband. Don’t be afraid to say his name.

After Mike died, I was fortunate to have good friends who stepped up to lend a helping hand and offer support.

I did not want to speak to anyone on the phone.  I knew that!  I could barely speak. My good friends, cousins and sister lived and slept in my house with me for the first 2 weeks.  They made the initial phone calls. They answered the phone and took messages.  They took care of the stuff.  They organized food.  They poured the wine. They made more phone calls.  That’s what friends and family do.

Those early days are raw, but the bereaved person is busy doing stuff.  You need to make “arrangements” even if you were never really sure what those arrangements were supposed to be.  Family members are coming to town.  Food should be available. People need to be called.  Obituaries need to be written.  Services need to be scheduled. And did I mention there should be food.

In my bereavement group, we talked about the grieving process. We commiserated over people who say the wrong things and smiled over those who did the right thing. Each of us has our own story of  how our husband died, but we share similar experiences since the funeral. 

Here are some of the things that really helped us at the beginning and some challenges that have been most difficult in our grief.

How to comfort a widow:

Show up.  The widow may not know what to do and is most likely numb. The best way to support your friend is to show up.  If there is a tradition she is upholding such as a memorial service, wake, funeral, sitting shiva – try your very best to get there. Stop by her house and bring something – anything.

Talk to her and let her tell her story. Be a good listener.  She may want to talk.  If she doesn’t want to visit, just you stopping by was supportive.  Arrange to have her house cleaned. She may need help arranging the funeral, dealing with legal and financial matters, and sorting through personal belongings. She will remember that you were there.

Bring food.  The last thing the widow wants to do is cook food.  She may eat but only if someone has kindly brought over something to eat. She does not want to go out to the store yet. People keep stopping by so you are helping her host friends and co-workers. Buy a bag of groceries and have it delivered or bring over some items like cookies and frozen lasagna. 

Once the people are gone, she may not be up to going grocery shopping. She has no idea how to shop or cook for one. Bring her a lunch. Share a meal with her and make her a cup of tea or a glass of wine.  Send a gift card to a nearby restaurant. She needs to eat.

Sleep over.  She is not used to being alone.  She is fragile.  Be there when she wants to cry or scream. My sister and cousins slept over during the first 2 weeks.  I had not accepted the fact that my husband was not coming back.  Having a sleepover with  family helped me transition.  I wasn’t ready to be a widow.

Another thought is to plan a girls weekend. My mom’s best friend did that for the first Thanksgiving after my dad passed. She went with a friend to New Orleans and kept her mind off her grief by making new memories.

Send a card with a message.  It is so nice to know that so many people took the time to go out and buy a card to support you. Even the smallest gesture can provide comfort to the bereaved. Many people add a fond thought about the spouse.  It’s often easier to write a few words than to speak them at the funeral. Mass cards purchased with the promise that the late husband would be prayed for at a service were comforting, even if that faith was not always practiced.

Some people send books and that can be helpful.  I wanted to know I was not alone and appreciated reading about others who had experienced grief or had a fond memory of my husband.  See my list of Best Grief Books HERE.

Take her out. She may not ask, but she will need to have someone to do normal stuff with.  Join her for a manicure or pedicure.  Sign up for a new yoga class or a class at the library together.  Go out to lunch or dinner.  Invite her to the movies.  She is not used to being alone so keeping her busy and engaged will be much appreciated.

If your friend has kids, offering to take them out can give her some alone time that she may need as well.

Help celebrate the life.  Wakes and funerals are generally somber events.  Some people have Memorial services immediately and some people wait.  Some people ask for donations in the loved one’s name.  Do something soon for close friends and relatives to celebrate the person they loved.  Go to the beach to float funeral flowers or candlelit lanterns out to sea to help make your friend feel connected to the one they have lost.  

Most importantly, don’t be afraid to talk about the deceased.  Share funny stories or make  references to things about the person who is gone.  Say their name. Hearing other people fondly mention the spouse comforts the widow and enables her to speak about him as well.

Try not to…

• Hug her in public if you haven’t seen her.  She is a mess.  She made it out in public.  It was really hard.  Attention to her will probably turn her into a sobbing spectacle.  This happened to me a couple of times.  Small things can trigger tears quickly in those early months so be sensitive. Acknowledging the loss is important, but I know it was hard for me when I ran into acquaintances who wanted to ask how I was doing. My go to answer was, “taking it one day at a time.”

• Tell her he is in a better place.  Really?  He was supposed to be here!  He shouldn’t have left and she does not feel better about the fact that he is gone. She may be having an angry day – or a guilty day.  There are all sorts of days.  There is no true progression through the 5 stages of grief as identified by Elizabeth Kubler Ross. Be careful to avoid using platitudes like “God only gives us what we can handle” or “You are so strong.”

• Say she will find someone else.  This is the last thing she needs to hear. She doesn’t want anyone else.  This was not supposed to happen.  She wants him back again so why isn’t THAT happening. It also implies some pressure.  Like she has a new job to do – go find a replacement.  She needs a friend, not a task master.

• Judge.  Everyone grieves differently.  This is a very difficult time and she may withdraw.  She may act silly.  She may get depressed and cry a lot. She even may start dating. Unsolicited advice is not supportive unless it is geared lovingly toward her self-care. She is working it out and your unbiased love and support is most helpful.

• Push her to make decisions.  Can she afford to stay where she is? Should she work? Should she sue? Should she give away all of his stuff now? She needs time to process her grief.  Many decisions can wait. Immediate concerns need to be addressed.  Taking over the jobs that her spouse always did will be unsettling. Offer to help her do some of those things. Remember, she needs to take care of herself and treat herself kindly right now and so do you.  Be kind and patient.

My wise widowed aunt sent me a lovely handwritten card when my husband passed.  She wrote a memorable quote from Kathie Scobee Fulgham whose father died.  He was the commander of the space shuttle Challenger that exploded in 1986.

“Grief is a weird and winding path.  It’s got rest stops and pot holes.  With different depths of rage and despair.  The path might become smoother, and it might never come to an end.  But the biggest thing is, you won’t be staying forever in one spot.  You are going to move on.”

Ways to help your grieving widowed friend include showing up, bringing food, taking her out, offering to help with a specific task and helping her celebrate his life.

Things to avoid with a recently widowed friend are hugging or embarrassing her in public, judging her, telling her she’ll find someone else, and pushing her to make decisions.

Remember, instead of saying “call me if you need anything”, it’s better to try something like “I’m placing an Instacart order for you from the grocery store. Will you be home at 6pm for a delivery?”

To read my post about making a care package for a widow, click this link. Care Package for a Widow