WIDOW TO WIDOW – Advice on dating and moving forward from my mom

“I don’t want to have a dead husband,” I screamed to my mom as we sat at the dining room table addressing the 250th thank you card.  It was 3 weeks after he died.  It was time to thank all the people who had made an effort to express their condolences.

I was fortunate.  Friends, family, colleagues and neighbors came out of the woodwork and had taken over that first week.  I was of course in shock or denial.  This was ridiculous.  There is no way this should have happened I kept thinking that any minute now Mike would come back.

Writing these cards was simply a formality and a way to bond with my mom.

I didn’t want to write any more cards.  I started to cry and scream.  She hugged me and cried too.  Why couldn’t she just tell me that it would be O.K?

We left the cards on the table and drove to the ocean.  I love the beach.  I actually fell asleep on the blanket in the sand.  It was a late September afternoon and still warm.

My mom lost her husband in 2001.  She was 61 years old.  He died of lung cancer.  We all felt that was unfair because the answer to the obvious question, “Did he smoke?” was an adamant, NO!

He was a hard working, devoted husband and father.  He had recently retired and then gone back to teach at a Catholic High School because he was an amazing Chemistry teacher and loved what he did.  He drank a couple of pina coladas in the summer but never smoked.  It was totally unfair.

And now here I was – in the same boat as my mom, a widow.

It’s been 16 years since she became a widow and last week I had lunch with mom.  I asked her lots of questions about how she felt after my dad died.  We also talked about how she met her second husband Phil and how life has changed. She has been a great role model for me.

Me – Tell me how did you handle the first year?

I don’t remember.  I journaled a lot the first year. I still haven’t gone back to read it. She did some things differently that year.  She went with a friend to New Orleans for Thanksgiving, the first time she had ever visited that city.  For Christmas, she treated all three children and their families to a 5 day stay at Disney World’s Wilderness Lodge in Orlando, Florida with excursions to all the parks and some character meals.

After the cancer diagnosis, she and my dad had downsized from the house they lived in for 28 years to a 2 bedroom apartment nearby.  She was very grateful that dad had been smart enough to sell the house and get rid of all the stuff before he died.

She recalls a turning point when 5 months after my dad died, the tragic deaths of so many young people died on September 11, 2001 in New York City.  I kept thinking that I had 39 years with the man I love and all these young families have been tragically torn apart.  I appreciated all that I had been blessed with.

Me – What was your biggest fear? 

Finances.  Dad had made a list for me of names and amounts to write on checks when I asked about paying the bills.  I wrote out the checks.  I knew how to do that but I didn’t understand all the bills that would be coming in.  I didn’t want to be alone. An Oprah magazine came out right after your dad died that had the word JOY on the cover.  I remember looking at that and thinking will I ever know JOY again.

Me – Tell me how was the second year different?

It is harder.  You knew he really isn’t coming back. The first year you think this nonsense will end.  The second year you realize it not going to change and that is what is really hard.  You have to deal with that.

Me – What kept you going? 

My friend Joyce encouraged me to join a program at her church in Florida to be trained as a Spiritual Advisor.  I was searching.  What is my purpose? What am I going to do? So I went to Joyce’s school.  The first year you  read and  write responses to the passages.  Every afternoon we would meet together and share what we wrote and I would cry.  Of course I was writing about dad.  Whenever it was my turn, they would pass the box of tissues over to me.  The second year I did the same thing.  I would read, write, share and cry.  The third year was different.  This time when I shared my writing I was smiling and happy.  I had met Phil, and he was taking the train down from New York to meet me after the class was over. We planned to spend time together in Florida.

Me – Tell me how did you meet Phil?

We met in a bereavement group for widows and widowers.  It had been over a year for me but only 3 weeks for Phil when the session started.  After the 8 weeks, we continued to meet with the people in the group.  We met for dinner every Tuesday night  for the next 10 years or so.  We also went out dancing as a group on Saturday nights. I danced with all the fellows but started to dance more with Phil.  One weekend we went to Connecticut on a bus trip to the Casinos.  On the bus ride home it was like a bolt of lightning struck and we both realized that our friendship was turning into something more.

Me – Tell me how did you handle the differences between the two men in your life?

It is amazing because you could not pick 2 more different men than Phil and your dad.  Daddy was big, strong, liked playing and watching football and spending time outside in the garden.  Phil grew up in the city, collects trains and loves all classical music and operas.  But the one thing they both have in common is their love and affection for me. And after all, that is all that really matters.

Me – What were some of the challenges you had?

I moved into his house and had to make some changes before I felt comfortable living there.  Our children weren’t always as happy for us as we were for ourselves. We had separate finances and I felt strongly that we should keep them that way.  We met with a lawyer before we got married.

Me – What advice do you have for me and other widows about dating?

Based on my experiences and people I know, if it’s online, have a few conversations first. Have a friend call you and have a code word so they know you’re OK.  My best bet was our widow and widowers group – what started as group activities later turned into some pairing off among the members.

Signs to be alert for:  If he asks you first off if you like Victoria’s Secret; If he’s much older and looking for someone to take care of him; If he comes for the weekend with liquor hiding in the suitcase; If he wants you to take care of him and doesn’t want to help you out when you are feeling down.

Ask: is your life better, more fun, interesting with him or her in it?  We spent most of our lives with someone else. Yes share stories about your late spouse, but not in every sentence.  Does he show you he cares about your hopes and dreams. Does he do nice things, hold doors open, ask about your feelings and listen to your answers?

Before you get to the should we be serious, talk about family, finances, living places and money for cars, gas, food, gifts, etc.  And ask yourself, is my life better with this person.

Don’t be afraid but be real. Good luck and God Bless.

Me – What gives you joy now?

Warm weather in Florida.  Watching my children and grandchildren grow.  Having someone to share your life with and wake up with.

Phil and I enjoyed traveling in our 60s  We had time and our bodies were able to handle it then.  I’m glad we took the time to travel and would highly recommend it to others. Also, I believe we are here for a reason and if we are still here we are not done with that reason yet.  It could be something we say or do or how we act that will influence someone else.

I am currently writing another young adult novel. My writing is my way to help others.  The characters in my books deal with issues like the boy who is afraid of hospitals and losing someone, and the girl whose parents are separated and she feels like a throw away kid.  It is about families and the problems and decisions they make.

Here is the book I wrote about my journey after the loss of my husband:

widow advice on dating and moving on

Addie Meyer Sanders is a published author and poet.  To order a book, click on the title below.

widow to widow advice on life after the loss of a spouse

runawaywidow

At the age of 51 I unexpectedly became a widow. For the first 6 months after my husband died, I was in shock and numb. I journaled and with the help of friends, family and therapists was able to get back to living my old life, even if it is now very different. Before I was married, I had spent a semester in England and backpacked around Europe. My husband and I moved from New York to California for 8 years and started a family. Travelling took a back seat to raising a family and going to work everyday. Since the loss of my husband I have visited a lot of places with family and friends and took a solo trip to Thailand. I am enjoying sharing my stories and adventures as well as some of my insights to how I am traveling the path of being a widow. I hope to share my stories and adventures as well as some thoughts on being a middle aged widow. While I have some great experiences traveling to Thailand and cruising to Central America, some of my adventures involve a trip to see a Broadway show in nearby Manhattan and a shopping trip at Bed, Bath and Beyond. If I can inspire anyone to go out and continue to live a good life that would be my greatest accomplishment.

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16 Responses

  1. Thank you so much to you both for sharing this. Such wisdom.

  2. Where's My Other Sock? says:

    How wonderful to have such an all-knowing and loving mother to guide you through these next steps. You both are amazing and have so much wisdom to share.

  3. Wendy says:

    I lost my dad to cancer when he was 61, 8 years ago. My Mom is online dating. She is meeting lots of men, I am okay with it but it’s kind of weird that my mom is dating lots of men! I just worry about them not being who they say they are. Thanks for the tip on the code word. I am going to set that up with her.

  4. adventures says:

    Thank you for sharing this. I lost my first husband in 2009 suddenly to cancer. Several months after his death, friends family and coworkers pressured me to date. When I finally agreed to date, they all condemned me.

    • runawaywidow says:

      That’s ridiculous! People think they have a right to tell you how to live and when you do meet someone new they have a hard time accepting it. Thanks for your comment.

  5. Rebecca says:

    I’d gotten behind on some of your posts. Your mom was a wise woman and how lucky you were to have her guiding you during such a difficult time. I know you miss her but I’m glad you can savor the many moments you had together.

    • runawaywidow says:

      Thank you for reading and your kind words. Yes. Focusing on the good memories is so helpful in dealing with loss and I was lucky to have so many with her.

  6. Nana Wathore says:

    You shared sweet memories. Best article. Continue writing.

  1. January 20, 2019

    […] My newly widowed mom came over and together we watched the news and exiled my kids to a nearby playroom. Later my mom revealed that 9/11 was a turning point for her. She had been devastated and sad that my dad was gone, but these young people who lost their lives that day was so unfair.  She had had a good life with her husband.  She had raised a family and loved a man for almost 40 years.  This was unimaginable. So many young families impacted.  She became determined to be grateful for what she had and look for Joy in her life after the loss of her husband. WIDOW TO WIDOW – Advice on dating and moving forward from my mom […]

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    […] my husband Mike died she was there to help me through my grief. She felt my pain as she had been there too after my dad died. Without pushing me too much she was […]

  4. July 26, 2022

    […] My newly widowed mom came over and together we watched the news and exiled my kids to a nearby playroom. Later my mom revealed that 9/11 was a turning point for her. She had been devastated and sad that my dad was gone, but these young people who lost their lives that day was so unfair.  She had had a good life with her husband.  She had raised a family and loved a man for almost 40 years.  This was unimaginable. So many young families impacted.  She became determined to be grateful for what she had and look for Joy in her life after the loss of her husband. WIDOW TO WIDOW – Advice on dating and moving forward from my mom […]

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