The first year after losing your spouse is full of emotional land mines. Some you expect, and some that knock you over out of nowhere. For me, the first one was Thanksgiving.
I thought I had it figured out. I was going to skip it. Just me and my sons, football, and frozen pizza. I didn’t tell anyone, that plan was just for me.
We had already had dinner with Mike’s parents, his brother and wife, a few days before. It was calm, almost normal. We didn’t talk about Mike, but his absence was there, like a shadow in the corner of the room. I thought, “Okay, that was enough. That was our Thanksgiving.”
But then my in-laws asked what time I wanted them over on Thanksgiving Day. I didn’t have the heart to say no, so I just said, “Three o’clock works.”
They brought all the food. I didn’t have to cook. I didn’t even have to get dressed, honestly. But that day held more emotion than I was ready for. My mother-in-law and I sat on the couch, wine in hand, shrimp cocktail between us, and she began to talk about her grief. Her son, my husband, was gone and moms are not supposed to outlive their children.
She told me how, when her brother died at 18, her mother just disappeared into the bedroom for a month. No one talked about the death. No one helped. She didn’t know how to process this loss, either. She was hurting, deeply. And I hadn’t seen it until that moment.
I had been so absorbed in my own pain and the investigation surrounding Mike’s death, I hadn’t stopped to consider hers.
That moment of connection cracked something open in me. It reminded me: I’m not the only one suffering. She lost her son.
We got through the meal. It wasn’t joyful, but we were together. We mentioned Mike a little, but mostly we just ate and existed in the same space. It wasn’t until the next morning that I completely fell apart. The tears poured out and wouldn’t stop.
That was the first lesson I learned about holidays after loss:
You might get through the day, but the pain doesn’t follow a schedule.
Getting through the next Holiday
When Christmas came…
I didn’t decorate. Didn’t send cards. Didn’t put up a tree. I just… couldn’t.
But friends showed up one night, teenage daughters in tow. They dug through my decoration bins and made the house look beautiful in ways I never would have imagined. That small act of kindness saved me more than they’ll ever know.
After falling into despair and depression that first holiday, I made the effort to do something different for holidays and other special dates. My something different often included a trip somewhere new.
Later, a few years in, I started creating new holiday memories and bringing back my traditional favorites. The holiday season became a little different. I invited my in-laws, my mom and her husband, a friend and her boyfriend, and my new boyfriend to Christmas dinner. I was nervous, but I also knew I needed to feel something different.
We played silly games. Wrapped a gift in 10 layers and unwrapped it with oven mitts. Drew snowmen on paper plates on top of our heads. We laughed. Laughed. For the first time in a while, I remembered that holidays could be fun.
Ideas for Honoring Your Loved One During the Holidays
You don’t have to do things the same way. You don’t have to do anything. But if you want to include your deceased spouse in your holiday, here are a few ideas that helped me and other widows:
- Leave an empty chair at the table to acknowledge their absence.
- Light a candle in their memory and set it near a photo.
- Cook their favorite dish or play a song they loved.
- Start a new tradition that brings joy—like a game or a walk or a story-telling circle.
- Give Thanks and invite others to speak a memory or something they’re grateful for.
Sometimes we avoid mentioning their name because we don’t want to upset anyone—but truthfully, everyone is already thinking about them. Acknowledging your loved one out loud can be healing.
Knowing that waves of sadness or tears will come, and that “this too shall pass” allows me to keep moving forward. Here are some suggestions that have helped me get through grief during the holidays when it is getting tough.
What worked for me
1. Do something different. Life without your loved one is different so don’t pretend you can carry on as you always have. When I finally put up a tree, I changed to all white ornaments. I anticipated that looking at family memory ornaments would be hard, so I didn’t go there in the beginning. Now years later, I can comfortably look at them, smile and reminisce about those years when Mike was here and the kids were little, but the first couple of years, it was too hard.
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2. Start a gratitude practice. You’ve heard this before but it is so true. Reframing your mindset to one of gratitude makes a huge difference in your mental and physical health. Set a timer daily to recite 3 random things you are thankful for. You can write them in a journal or in your notepad on the phone or even just say them in your head. After the loss of a loved one it can be easy to focus on all that is missing, so by celebrating 3 small things each day you will begin to appreciate life again.
3. Take a walk outside. Get outside into nature and walk barefoot if you can. You will begin to feel more grounded. Use your senses to really be present and hear the sounds, notice what is around you, embrace the change in temperature and colors. Recent research claims walking in nature is one of the best things to do for your mental and physical health As one season ends, it makes room for new beginnings. Turn off the phone and just be outside.
4. Volunteer or buy some food for a food pantry. Plenty of people need support these days. One of the most healing things I did was the time my friend Juliann and I handed out bag lunches to the homeless in New York City. Food pantries need peanut butter, jelly, cereal, soups, applesauce, canned tuna or meats, pet food and personal hygiene items. Donating time or money to bring holiday cheer to those less fortunate puts life in perspective.
5. Call a friend or family member. Maybe they need to hear from you too. I don’t always like to make the call. In a world where we can text or email we sometimes forget about actually writing a letter of having a conversation. Once I am on the phone, it’s a great way of catching up with loved ones. Make an effort to reach out to someone.
6. Play with a pet. Harry is the best little dog and he makes me laugh. Sometimes I dress him up. He loves to play fetch or tug of war. He is quite good at sniffing so taking him outside for a walk is good for both of us. If you don’t have a pet, I bet there is a shelter nearby that would love someone to walk or play with a lonely animal.
7. Take a nap. Especially as the days are shorter and colder. Some days it just feel wonderful to take a midday nap. You are dealing with grief at the holidays and that can be exhausting! Be gentle with yourself and don’t expect so much. Taking a nap is good self-care in my opinion.
8. Go to Costco. This may just be my thing, but I love the openness of the warehouse store. Browsing at all the cool stuff from TVs to diamonds, sweaters to kitchen appliances, sports equipment, books and Christmas decorations are such a joy to me! Sampling new foods can be interesting and the cooked rotisserie chickens are a deal.
9. Pull some weeds or do yard work. Leaves are falling and the gardens look pitiful in the North. A bit of effort makes the yard look better and is a good workout. Now that I live in Florida, this is the time of year to plant annuals to brighten up the gardens since it is no longer so hot outside. Getting your hands in the dirt is a great way to connect with the earth’s electromagnetic energy which leads to benefits with sleep, stress and all sorts of health benefits
10. Read a book. I use the Kindle and Libby, a library app, on my phone. With my library membership I can download books to my Kindle for free. Many are available in audible so I listen to them while I walk or exercise. Finishing the book is important if you want to participate at Book Club. Or, you could purchase a book about grief. Here’s my blog about Grief Books I found helpful: 12 Best Grief Books
Final Note:
The holidays are tough for many people. Some days it’s OK to stay in bed and rest. Some days it’s OK to fake it ’til you make it. And some days it’s even OK to have a little fun.
Wishing you all the best – Kristin
Order my book here:
No Simple Highway – A widow’s journey to seek justice for her husband’s death
