Can Widows Have a Big Wedding?

Well, basically, she can have any kind of wedding she wants.  She has been to hell and back.  It was not easy to bury her husband.  And after all the support and love waned, the loneliness was bound to seep in.  It’s like a slow flood.  Being alone and sad and crying sucks.  She can really drown in that flood.

But somehow she managed to find love again and if marriage is the way to celebrate that love, she can have any type of wedding she wants.

My approach was to runaway after my husband died, thus the title of my blog.  I kept busy with new plans to travel.  I maintained my full time job which, as a kindergarten teacher, kept me on my toes.  My two sons were away at college and not financially independent yet. I was able to stay in my home, manage the finances and do the home maintenance and repairs that needed attention.

But something was missing.

However, sometime between that busy lifestyle and the loneliness that was encroaching, I was blessed to find someone special.

A few dates.  

A getaway weekend and he felt like home.

Are you ready for a new relationship?

It’s not that I stopped loving my late husband.  I will always love him and our 30 years we had together.  But I finally got to the stage in my grief where I acknowledged, not accepted, that he was gone.  I had tried bargaining and arguing that he shouldn’t have died.  

I even pursued a wrongful death lawsuit to prove that he shouldn’t have died.  But in the end, I couldn’t stop it. He was gone and he would not be coming back, at least in his physical body.

Back to the man that made me smile again.  My days are happier because I know I will see him at the end of each day.  We share meals and snuggle together on the couch. That is the part we widows and widowers miss most about losing a spouse.  The daily reminders that someone cares about you and that you care about someone else.  

Oh, and we do miss that physical intimacy as well.

But why have two separate homes? Why not move in together?

Well, this is where we over 50 folks need to decide what is best for us. Weigh the pros and cons and decide if this is the direction you want your life to go.  And once you make that decision, own it.  Only you can make it work.

As my mother often asks her widow friends, and me, “is your life better with him or not?”  If the answer is yes, why not move in together.  Or even go ahead and get married.

Do widows remarry?

Widows and widowers initially feel an overwhelming sense of loss and loneliness, but eventually some decide to find love again.

According to a study led by a UC San Diego psychiatrist, 61% of men and 19% of women who lost a spouse were either involved in a new relationship or remarried within 25 months.

Most repartnering after widowhood occurs within ten years of this event or not at all. Ten years after widowhood, about 7% of widows and 29% of widowers have formed a new union. For both widows and widowers, the rate of remarriage is twice as high as the rate of cohabitation.

But is it OK to have a big wedding, or since you are a grieving widow, should it be a quiet moment at town hall? Maybe something in between?

Wedding Etiquette for Widows

According to Emily Post she has Ten Basics for Remarriage including: “By the time you begin planning your wedding, put away engagement and wedding rings from previous marriages. You can save them for the next generation or have stones reset into other jewelry. Widows and widowers should no longer wear rings from an earlier marriage, even on their right hands.”

She also recommends:  “Avoid publicly resurrecting the past. An encore wedding celebration isn’t the place for remarks about ex-spouses or even heartfelt references to deceased partners.”

According to Amy Wilde in her article about wedding etiquette:

“For your ceremony, avoid planning a repeat of your first wedding. This is a new marriage with a new partner, and you need to approach it with a fresh perspective. A second wedding is a good opportunity to break free from pomp and formality and get creative.

Talk with your officiant about non-traditional vows, or write your own. If you have children, include them in the ceremony, with their permission. Second-time brides often walk down the aisle by themselves or with their new partner, but if you want to be given away by your father or another escort, feel free to do so.

Tradition dictates that a widowed bride wear lavender, but you can wear whatever color looks good on you and makes you feel good. Most second brides avoid pure white and opt for flowers or a headpiece instead of a veil, but these rules aren’t hard and fast.”

According to the Web site IDoTakeTwo.com, more than 30 percent of weddings today are “encore weddings.” The rules of wedding etiquette are constantly evolving.

Big weddings are fun but can also be quite stressful.  Have you seen any of the many TV shows that depict brides as crazed, detail focused monsters with relatives finding unlimited ways to ruin the day?

Well, me neither.

I had originally thought I would get married quietly in a foreign country. I had the man and the engagement ring.  Next step, the honeymoon. 

I looked into getting married overseas and it is not as easy as you think.  In fact the place we planned our honeymoon (Greece), could not accommodate an American marriage. 

Only a vow renewal.

But then we would have to get married first.

Family

Pete had actually asked both my sons permission to ask me to marry him.

That was such a sweet gesture.

Of course, I would want them to be at my wedding.

My mom was so excited that I had found someone to love me after the death of my husband. She knew how lonely being a widow can be and wanted nothing but happiness for me, so of course she would be invited. My sister and brother and I are very close so I couldn’t get married without them. My sister and her husband were interested in joining us on our Honeymoon in Greece so why not just have a party together before our trip?

We started planning a party for just the family. Turns out Pete’s 5 siblings have a bunch of kids who have a bunch of kids and all live nearby.

The guest list kept growing.

Venue

The guest list to our wedding kept getting too big for either of our houses. We considered having the reception at a restaurant.

It was spring, and we found ourselves signing up for a few wedding vendor shows and events. At a bridal show or wedding event, lot of professionals are available to offer samples of their products like photos or flowers, and discuss what you may want for your special day.

The best part is the food and cake sampling. Yum!

We visited a bridal expo at a restaurant on the boardwalk where we often took walks on the weekend. I loved the water view and they specialized in setting up the ceremony right on the beach. This place would accommodate all of our family and even some friends.

It was exactly what we were looking for.

After we picked the place, we picked a date.  Then decided on the menu. We kept it simple with a Long Island summer buffet which included favorites like lobster, clams and corn on the cob.

Next came the invitations, which we ordered on Etsy, along with some fun beach themed items like signs, frames, flip flops and sunglasses you can check out here:

We asked friends and family to be the DJ, the photographer, the officiant. I bought a dress online that I loved and clothes for my sons. We ordered flowers and I made appointments for hair and makeup. The makeup was a gift and such a fun surprise with those extended eyelashes!

I am sure I am forgetting some things, like of course, your budget.  Some people start with that in mind and that is probably a really good idea.  You will be paying for all of this so be sure it is what you want.

It is actually fun planning such a happy event.  When my mom married 9 years after my dad had passed, she had the whole shebang.  Rehearsal dinner, 16 grandchildren in the wedding party, limos, flowers, photos, a band, dinner and dancing and a honeymoon in Saint Lucia!  She would say it was different from wedding number one, and it was just what she wanted.

My wish came true as we enjoyed good weather (with an unexpected squall during the dance portion of the party) and lots of joy and laughter at our celebration.

So lucky to have love again and to be able to share our happiness with so many good friends and family.

If you are planning to get married again after the loss of a spouse here are some things to consider:

Finances

As a widow, consider social security benefits. After age 60, a widow is entitled to her dead husband’s social security benefits (2 years earlier than she could begin taking her own). If she remarries before age 60, she will forfeit her right to the first husband’s social security benefit.

Some pensions or annuities from the deceased may have stipulations for remarriage, so be sure to look into that before remarriage.

As a solo parent, your child may get financial aid for college. A new spouse’s income could affect the amount of financial aid the college student receives, so if you have a child in college, this is something to consider.

Of course, you will also have to discuss who will pay for which bills. Will there be a joint account for shared expenses? Will you each keep separate accounts as well?

Speaking with an attorney regarding your finances before entering a marriage will help you understand how the marriage will affect your widow status. Is the new spouse entitled to everything in the event of your death? Each state in the U.S.A. has different laws. Have you assigned beneficiaries (like your children) to accounts in your name?

Some people may be more comfortable with a pre-nuptial agreement.

Where to Live?

Do you move into one house and sell the other? Do you each keep a house or do you combine money to purchase a new home? These are questions to consider and be sure, especially if you have children, to make plans in a legal Last Will and Testament for your wishes.

Pete and I celebrated a wonderful day with our families choosing to move forward with marriage.

Our original plan to have two homes, one in New York (my house) and one in Florida changed shortly after purchasing our home together in Florida

The climate and lifestyle in our Florida community are ideal for young at heart retirees.

I sold my newly renovated house on Long Island. The dream house that I raised my children with my late husband Mike had been a joy, but that chapter was over.

To check out more details about our wedding, click on the post below:

Wedding Day for a widow

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NO SIMPLE HIGHWAY – A widow’s journey to seek justice for her husband’s death