Last summer I saw a post that read “write a book in 30 days”. The idea of writing a book has appealed to me, but getting started seemed to be the issue. I enjoy writing stories in my blog. Wouldn’t that be enough, I wondered.
But I signed up for the 30 day on-line writing program last July before I moved to Florida. Each day I spent 1-2 hours writing. It was cathartic since the book is a memoir and tells the story about the night Mike died and the few years afterwards.
My initial idea was to write a self-help book to help other widows deal with the sudden loss of a spouse. I had been through it and maybe my words could help someone. That is what I have tried to do over the years writing this blog and people read posts daily from my Pinterest page so I know others are looking for guidance. I know I was looking for advice and even a “how to” book as a new widow. I threw the literal kitchen sink at my grief journey trying everything and anything to keep moving forward every day.
But once I started writing my story, it took on a life of its own. Sure, I had to deal with all the issues that an unexpected death entail. I planned a funeral service and met with lots of people. I figured out ways to handle the finances despite a delay in obtaining the death certificate and thus any life insurance money. I processed my grief with the support of professionals when necessary as well as my own precarious health circumstances at the time.
But I had one more issue to deal with that not all widows do, though many believe it to be true:
My husband wasn’t supposed to die that night.
When Mike left the beach to use the restroom at the beach clubhouse, he should have been able to walk out of that building without being assaulted and killed. It took two years for us to see the surveillance video of what happened that night.
Pursuing legal action isn’t easy but sometimes it has to be done. With the help of friends and family and a good legal team, I took the road less traveled. We pursued the truth and sought justice for Mike. My book will tell that story.
Stay tuned for chapter one and an opportunity to get “No Simple Highway” on Amazon!
MOVING FORWARD by dating or at least leaving the house after the death of a spouse. Lonely widows and widowers are looking for friends. How to cope with loneliness as a widow, deal with complicated grief and maybe even start dating.
Friends are all getting together on Friday night. You are recently a widow and not part of a couple anymore. You were invited so the question is, should you stay or should you go now?
If you stay home, it is safe. You can be sad and watch a T.V. show. Start a new binge watching marathon. You could eat and drink and stay in your pajamas and cuddle a pet or a pillow. You could think about your dead spouse and do some crying. Or maybe some screaming.
But what if you go…
I know a lot of newly widowed people feel guilty going out and enjoying themselves. They think they should continue to be mourning all the time. Maybe they are worried about what others will think of them? What if it looks like you are happy and having fun. People will get the wrong idea.
Looking for signs after the loss of a loved one is comforting – challenging our loved ones to communicate with us can be reassuring .
Keeping an open mind, I believe we can find signs from our loved ones if we accept that it is possible.
My latest sign came from my mom on Mother’s Day. I spent the day with my sister. This is our third year without calling mom or sending her flowers. We didn’t get to have lunch with her so we made plans to visit the Sarasota Jungle gardens and go to lunch with some of our family members. We both miss our mom so a sister is a good substitute.
In our family we have pretty much agreed that seeing a red male cardinal is a visit from our dad. I don’t see them as much here in Florida, but that is our sign. For my mom, we got a bit trickier. She sends us white dolphins.
When the butterfly landed on my beer can and started sipping as I sat in a poolside lounge chair in Thailand on the first anniversary of Mike’s death, I took that as a sign that he was still with me. I visited a psychic medium a few months after Mike died and she told me that he send me blue jays. Sure enough, I used to see one fly in front of my car on my 3 minute commute to work every day. I don’t see too many blue jays down here in Florida.
Immediately after he passed, his cousin and mother started finding dimes in the craziest of places. They felt strongly that these were signs.
I spent an amazing summer weekend with the Forever Family Foundation in Connecticut the first year after my husband died. I had a positive experience bonding with other people going through grief. Several certified psychic mediums did group readings and I was fortunate to have Mike come through with messages for me during those sessions.
After the weekend, I bought a book by five year anniversary of our first date and it is true, life goes on.
Help a widow feel the love. After loss you can show you care. Send a care package to a widow or make one for yourself.
As an overwhelmed and unexpected widow, I had no idea how to respond to the heart given cry “call me if you need anything”.
I, of course, had no idea what I would need or how much my life was about to change.
During the first month or so I was so fortunate to be gifted with gift cards, friend visits and even meals. Being surrounded by loved ones and keeping busy is helpful. But after those first few weeks, most people return to their regular lives and the new widow is beginning to adjust to her new normal.
For many people experiencing the loss of a loved one, moments of grief continue to surprise us. More and more stories are being shared of how lonely people are after the loss of a family member. Now with the coronavirus pandemic, loneliness is even more prevalent. As people age and find it harder to leave the home, life can become even more lonely.
I have written about fighting the fear or the reality of being a sad and lonely widow How to NOT be a Stay at Home, Lonely Widow. But I am a young 58 year old and I am determined to enjoy my life and continue to experience all I can and find joy in each day.
That being said, I remember how when I was in my saddest moments, the kindness and unexpected notes, meals or even comments on Facebook, really made my day.
Should a widow move after the death of a spouse? Consider financial, emotional and social needs of each person before making major life changing decisions.
This question has been burning in my mind since August of 2015 when Mike died. Do I stay in our home, or do I move? The answer is different for all widows and much needs to be considered. Here is what I know.
While widows and widowers all have one thing in common, everyone has a different story and a different situation. The one bit of advice that I found helpful after the sudden tragic loss of my husband was to wait a year before making any major life changes.
FINANCIAL
For most widows, finances will play a pivotal part in any decisions made after the death of a spouse. If a large life insurance policy is available, it may take a few months to have access to the money. Using that money to pay off a home mortgage and other medical or credit card debts will be most helpful.
If the spouse was over 60, social security monthly payments may be available which will help secure money to be paid for monthly bills.
In my situation, we were both only 51 years old, so I was facing a loss of half our monthly take home pay. We still had a very large mortgage, a son just starting college and plenty of monthly bills as well. I used the small life insurance policy to help make the monthly payments, anticipating that it would only be enough for a year or two.
EMOTIONAL
Each widow feels differently about her home after the death of a spouse. Some refuse to sleep in the same bedroom and may leave his things exactly as they were. Others clear it all out soon and try their best to put it in the past and not dwell on the loss.
Memories of the home and raising a family together can be comforting or painful. The photos and reminders are always there.
The best part about my stay in Seattle was the Airbnb I found located in the West Queen Anne section of the city. The 100 year old, beautifully renovated home on the hill overlooking Elliott Bay was the best place I have ever stayed in. We had 2 large bedrooms with amazing views, a kitchen, living area and large bathroom as well as all in the modern appliances including a washer and dryer.
The Airbnb in Seattle
Years ago I booked a stay in Palm Springs a long drive from all the action. I learned that time that choosing a location when you visit a new place is paramount to the enjoyability of your stay. This home was located on a quiet street and in a neighborhood where you could walk to amazing restaurants, a general store and even Kerry Park for the best view of Seattle.
Airbnb in Seattle
My son and I arrived at the airport and once we gathered our luggage, walked outside the doors where our TURO car rental drove up and the driver handed us the keys. We plugged in the address of our Airbnb and off we went. TURO car rentals are like Airbnbs in that you are renting someone else’s car at a predetermined rate. I have found the cars to be in great condition, less expensive than rental car companies and convenient. Geico insurance covered TURO rentals in Washington state, but some insurance companies do not cover TURO so check before you book.
After spending a week in Alaska, we had plenty of laundry so got started on that right away once we checked into the house. We had the entire lower floor of the home and never saw the owners. They texted to be sure we were OK and if we needed any suggestions on things to do in the area but we assured them we were fine.
The first night, we drove the one mile over to Queen Anne Avenue North and decided to dine at “How to Cook a Wolf” restaurant which was recommended by the homeowners. It was restaurant week and we HAD to have the three course meal which was pretty expensive and the chocolate dessert I ordered wasn’t available. Still, the character of the restaurant was nice and we ate outside which was fun.
Visit Alaska in Spring and drive – It’s a grand adventure
No one ever suggests visiting Alaska in the spring. I searched and searched for information to no avail. Is summer the only time to go? Sure it’s dark and cold in winter, but what about spring!?!
My son went to Alaska last summer to work at a fishery as a seafood processor. He stayed for the winter and was planning to return to the lower 48 in the spring, so I felt compelled to visit before he left. But what do we do in the spring in Alaska? Is everything fun closed? I found out one of Alaska’s biggest secrets. March is a great time to visit Alaska!
1 – DRIVING
Big city driving tends to stress me out and that is something you do not need to worry about in Alaska. I arrived in Anchorage and found the streets to be well labeled and easy to follow using directions on my maps app. Turo is a newer car rental company similar to Airbnb. You rent someone’s car at a predetermined rate. Some insurance companies will not cover Turo in different states, but Geico does cover car insurance in Alaska so I tried it out. The Ford Explorer I rented from Jonathan was clean and in good condition. He left it for me in the airport parking lot and that is where I returned it. No shuttle busses or cries of “sorry we ran out of cars” for me. I appreciated the convenience.
OUR PLAN
The roads in Alaska were pleasantly wide and relatively empty during my visit.
Day 1 – Anchorage – Lakefront hotel (Convenient, good breakfast and just OK)
Day 2, 3- Girdwood -Alyeska ski resort (Awesome! ski rentals in hotel and walk to ski lift)
Day 5, 6, 7 – Palmer – Airbnb (Awesome! – love the view too)
Day 8 -Anchorage – Hotel Sheraton 4 Points (cheap and sketchy – not recommended)
We took the thirty minute drive south on the Seward highway from Anchorage to Girdwood and Alyeska ski town. Although known as one of most dangerous highways in America, we had good weather and no rock slides the days we were there. It’s hard not to be distracted with all the amazing views. We spent three days in Alyeska, two skiing and one on a fun snowmobile tour.
Next we drove south to Soldotna for one night after skiing to visit a friend who hosts a fabulous Airbnb. The next day we drove to Seward to the Sea Life Center on the Kenai peninsula, then up past Anchorage to Palmer.
We took a day trip for dog sledding and lunch in Talkeetna for views of Denali. Another day drove up the Hatcher pass to ski at the new Skeetawk ski area. Meant to get to hike Matanuska Glacier, never made it. Did see the Northern Lights from the Airbnb in Palmer though!
Who doesn’t love traffic free roads? Just beware of falling rocks, avalanches and potholes.
2 – WHERE TO STAY
Spring is considered off- season so rates can be better this time of year. I stayed in three hotels and two Airbnbs during my visit and I would highly recommend the Airbnb experience in Alaska. Traveling with my son it was nice to have a place with a kitchen and two separate bedrooms. The people renting out space in their homes are genuinely kind and thoughtful. They are willing to help you plan an unforgettable trip with recommendations for dining out and places to visit. I tend to look for places that also have a view and my search did not disappoint on this trip.
The hotels in Anchorage were a bit on the run down side. I would recommend staying in the best hotel which may be the Cook hotel. Parts of Anchorage are indeed a bit sketchy and since the vacationers are limited in March, some areas are down right deserted except for homeless people who will approach and ask for money. The Lakefront Hotel near the airport was acceptable and had a good breakfast. Do not book the Four Points Sheraton in downtown Anchorage, enough said.
View from Airbnb in Palmer
3 – NORTHERN LIGHTS
This is a great time to see them in Alaska. After spending a week in Iceland with my sister on a tour specifically designed to see the Aurora Borealis, we were disappointed that we never saw them. In the summer the sky in Alaska is too light, and earlier in the winter it is super cold! Tours are available if you want to pay to sit in a van out on a field for many hours waiting. We used the app on our iphone to help know the best time to look outside. Just fair warning: In real life they are not as crystal clear as some photos you may have seen. Still awesome to witness.
Someone else’s photo – but what we saw one night
4 -WHERE TO EAT
Most restaurants are open year round and we did not have to wait to get service. We had good luck with Brewery type places. In Anchorage, we tried the pizza at Moose’s Tooth Pub and Pizzeria and it was very good.
Reindeer sausage pizza
At the Alyeska resort, there is a high-end restaurant called Seven Glaciers you can take the gondola up to but it is only open for dinner a few nights each week. It wasn’t open the night we stayed there but we did dine at Sakura Asian Bistro which was a great sushi place where everyone sits together at a huge table. Something different.
Yoga teacher training 200 for an over 50 group proves to be more challenging and rewarding than expected
It’s recommended that we never stop learning and we can keep our brains from turning to mush after retirement by learning something new. I’ve tried courses available online including the history of Egypt and some writing courses. I attempted knitting but did not get very far on that venture. Pete is teaching me how to golf and I do enjoy getting outside on the course in our golf cart, but I needed something more.
One day an advertisement showed up on my Facebook feed, which I admittedly spend too much time scrolling through, for an over 50 yoga teacher training program. The yoga institute is located six miles from my house in Florida so that was a positive. I never imagined myself as a yoga instructor. Aren’t those people super flexible and skinny? Don’t they emit vibes of pure Zen and light to all who meet them? And they speak a foreign language with all those Sanskrit terms? Who do I think I am – ha ha!
So I took out my credit card and signed up for the program. All I knew was that the class would meet on Tuesdays for about six months and I would take a weekend class in my choice of aerial or chair yoga certification. I’d probably opt for chair I figured as I hit enter on the application.
I arrived for our first class in October well-rested and excited to learn. Entering the grounds of Heartwood Yoga Institute and Retreat Center is like driving into a hidden rain forest filled with oversized palm trees and Live Oak trees covered in Spanish moss. The buildings blend in nicely with the landscape. I parked and immediately was welcomed by two friendly border collies hoping I’d toss them a ball, which I did. I followed another older woman as we walked towards an elevated porch-type room with all windows looking onto the grounds.
Chakra garden at Heartwood
Denver taught us our first ninety-minute gentle yoga class and I felt pleased that I could do all the movements, especially that last resting pose called Shavasana. Her mother and owner Ginny Shaddock met us after class and gave us a tour of the property which includes a labyrinth, a chakra garden, an indoor yoga studio, a firepit area, meditation pavilion, a library, a small gift store, and enough rooms to house people who sign up for intensive classes and live on the property for up to three weeks.
The 14 classmates and I ate lunch together at picnic tables under the shade trees and then started the lectures and learning that would take up much of our time during the program.
Posture Focus:
We diligently opened our binders and took notes as the instructors broke each pose that many of us knew from classes, into bits and pieces. The most difficult for me then and now is remembering the Sanskrit term for each pose: so much easier to say “extended hand to big toe pose” than “Utthita Hasta Padangustasana” – in my opinion anyway.
We learned what parts to straighten and which parts to press into. Keeping the spine long and shoulders back, lifting the belly and dropping your tailbone are just some phrases we could use to help people do the pose correctly, if we did teach. Learning how to provide modifications for each pose or variations were given as well as how to use props. We asked to know the benefits for each pose which are plentiful and may eventually sink in as we teach. After the lecture, the opportunity to teach each pose to a small group of classmates was interesting and we began to bond as a group in our attempts at sounding like a yoga teacher.
Myakka Elephant Ranch in Florida – an exciting experience to get close to elephants
Oh if only we could travel to Africa or Thailand to see happy elephants! When will COVID be over!!
With the elimination of circuses and pressure from agencies like PETA in the United States, exotic animals have had to find new homes and Florida is the place to retire for humans and animals alike.
The Myakka Elephant Ranch opened a little over two years ago as a conservation and educational program. The ranch is a nonprofit organization supporting global elephant conservation efforts. In November 2020 the owners began inviting the public in for elephant education encounters to help support the animals and work in connection with the International Elephant Foundation. Some of the money goes towards the foundation to support the preservation of wild elephants by building look out towers and anti poaching stations in Africa.
My sister and I excitedly drove the 20 minutes from our Bradenton, Florida neighborhood to the ranch. We signed up for the hands on spa encounter to spend the afternoon bathing the elephants. After the bathing portion, the 3 elephants, Lou, Carol, and Patty came out for snacks. During the one hour educational session, people ask questions and are invited to interact and pose for photos with the elephants and then we move outside to watch them in their own play yard.
Just like people, elephants each have a unique personality. In the wild, groups of elephants are led by a matriarch. Lou, the African elephant, has taken on that serious and dominant role in this trio. She was brought to the US in 1986 at 1 1/2 years old. She is now eight years retired from her work in the entertainment business. Her jobs included birthday parties, county fairs, circuses and fundraisers. She is used to being around people, so her daily baths which are important to moisturize her dry skin, give her additional enrichment. Her big trick is to reach out and use her trunk and the “two fingers” at the end of the trunk to accept a banana and apple from someone in the audience. Lou purrs when she gets her bath and happily poses with tourists and people willing to pay to bathe her.
Carol and Patty are both 49 years old and came to the United States from Thailand when they were two. They are both Asian elephants so have smaller ears, the shape of India instead of Africa. Carol was a movie star in her younger years and had a role as a youngster on Smokey and the Bandit 2. Patty doesn’t really care to get up and personal with humans but is devoted to her trainer of nearly 40 years. The elephant’s skin is very sensitive and they can feel a mosquito bite. Their hearing and smell are better than a hound dog. The Asian elephants do have tusks, but they are small and covered. In the hot weather, they stay cool with water and mud.
Two months ago, Myakka Elephant Ranch was able to install a new waterhole for the three elephants. It’s been a bit cold this past week in Florida, so they did not go swimming but instead enjoyed the electric heaters in their stalls.
Young Lou who is the son in the family visited Africa to learn more about elephant conservation efforts with the International Elephant Foundation. They work to support actions to eliminate the illegal killing and poaching of elephants. I was surprised to learn that only 300,000 African elephants now live in Africa, down from 10 million in 1930. 100 are killed every day. Additionally, only 40,000 Asian elephants still roam freely. Due to a loss of habitat, last year elephants killed many natives in Sri Lanka, and the natives killed elephants as well.
Raising awareness of the importance of conserving elephants and their habitats is what Lou and his dad Lou hope to achieve here at Myakka Elephant Ranch. Expanding their property to include more elephants and possibly breeding in the future is something they would be interested in. The White Oaks Conservation center in Northern Florida has taken a herd of 12 elephants with plans for an additional 20 retired Ringling Bros. elephants to it’s 17,000 acre property. Plans for breeding there are hopeful as is a trip for me to visit!
Lou, Carol, and Patty are bathed daily and minerals are painted on their toe nails. We took turns using a hose to wet down the pachyderms and then scrub their bodies with brushes. After the bath, and the hay, we had a hands on opportunity to pet their trunks and take photos. Then, the bathed ladies had a chance to ignore us and head out to the paddock to roll or toss dirt all over their bodies. They will be ready for tomorrow’s spa treatment.
EntranceLou getting a banana from visitorCarolPattyLou giving educational program Scrubbing Lou with special soapRinsing soap off Carol the elephant
#Bloganuary 20 – what is the favorite photo you have taken
I’m always late to these things, but I’ve been visiting my blog and others this month and came across the January challenge. Ever since the invention of the Iphone I have taken so many photos. My favorite…OK the top 3:
Big brother introducing little brother to the sprinklerHarry – the dog who filled my empty nest (2015 selfie)Sunset from Table Mountain, South Africa
Currently enrolled in a yoga teacher training program at Heartwood Yoga Institute in Bradenton, Florida, I am in awe of the Chakra garden created by the owners. The peaceful, quiet garden surrounded by lush native plants in the country is a perfect setting for inspiration gained in all that I am learning.
Each week we spend time practicing yoga, meditation, Sanskrit terms, journaling and learning about the poses. Our certified teachers spend time teaching us the philosophy yoga and incorporating the subtle body or energies called Chakras.
Heartwood Yoga Institute
Honestly, I am still working on memorizing a sun salutation sequence so I have a lot to learn. I can barely a balance a tree pose and have no desire to ever stand on my head.
But I do love sitting in a peaceful gardens. The idea that each part of the garden is a different color is cool. Colored statues or stepping stones are placed around a bench and surrounded in native plants that thrive in this tropical, Florida weather.
My dad grew the lush and beautiful plants in the vegetable garden as well as the multiple gardens around the yard. When people came by to visit, the tour always included a walk around the yard as dad pointed out the variety of vegetation. His wildflower gardens included plants he had rescued from the side of the highway and transplanted to flourish in our yard. In summer you could find him digging up plants and transferring them to new locations. Black-eyed Susans, yellow coreopsis and purple salvia grew so well, he divided up his plants into pots and sold them for one dollar in the front yard.
When the vegetable garden gave an abundance of tomatoes, he’d have us sit at the end of the driveway and sell them as well. This always attracted the neighborhood kids as we made faces at people driving by.
Tomatoes for Sale
My sister and brother take after my dad with their enthusiasm and success in gardening. My sister reminds me of dad when we walk around her large yard and she identifies every green-leafed growth as a potential beautiful flora waiting for her debut. This year for Christmas, the idea hit me – wouldn’t it be fun to help my sister create her own Chakra garden. We’ve taken a yoga class together and have read about energies. She has all these colorful plants around her yard… put them together and we will have timeless peace and beauty steps from her covered lanai!
It started with a thought based on the beautiful gardens at Heartwood. I would need to purchase a pretty colored stone to represent each of the seven sections of the “human energetic field”. Still not sure what all that means, but I knew which colors to use (rainbow) and figured the knowledge will grow as the garden develops.
The stones I chose for the garden on Amazon, turned out to be too small. You would never see them. After researching ways to make stepping stones using cement, I took the easy way and purchased kits. If I made a stepping stone and incorporated colored mosaic pieces around the small heart shaped chakra stone I purchased, that would be awesome. I began to collect colored stones, ordered some mosaic pieces and then remembered – we still have a lot of mom’s colorful costume jewelry. She passed away two years ago and we don’t wear that much jewelry, but what a great way to honor mom and have her memory tie in with our dad’s gift of the green thumb.
I cut apart the bright colored stones, beads and multiple pieces featuring her favorite dolphins and other sea life. I tried the blue one first as I had so many beautiful turquoise pieces I couldn’t wait to use. Letting the :energy” direct me, I placed the pieces randomly in the hexagon frame and loved how it came out. Wasn’t my sister going to love this gift.
Using the kit, the cement was easy and not messy to work with. I easily started the second stepping stone and enjoyed placing each piece around the center heart shaped stone with the chakra symbol. I soon realized, this would be way more fun to do WITH my sister, so I told her I had an S – an S is what my mom called a surprise. It was the day before Christmas eve and she had company over, but told her I needed to see her. Since she only lives 5 miles away now, she came over.
As she walked toward my front door, I surprised her with the two finished stepping stones, and the buckets of colored objects and the kit for each of the other 5 colors. She loved it and was excited to make her own stones as well.
We laughed as we looked at the familiar jewelry that mom used to wear. She loved to shop for clothes and coordinating outfits. She also loved the beach and that is a love each of her kids continue to carry on.
My sister and I had fun creating stones for the Rainbow “Chakra” garden. We often feel our loved one’s energy as part of our lives and it gives us comfort.
The 7 Chakra stepping stones
Chakras come from the Hindu tradition and translate to spinning wheels of energy. The 7 main chakras correspond to a particular part of the body and particular characteristics within ourselves. So much is written (books!) about these chakras, but the simplified version from what I understand is this:
RED: Root Chakra, base of the spine, grounded and calm. “I am safe and secure.”
ORANGE: Sacral Chakra, below the navel, creative and sexual energy. “Life is pleasurable.”
YELLOW: Solar Plexus Chakra, belly area, power and purpose. ” I am strong, I can.”
GREEN: Heart Chakra, heart, love and balance. “I am loving to myself and others.”
SKY BLUE: Throat Chakra, throat, to speak, listen and express yourself. “I speak my truth.”
INDIGO: Third Eye Chakra, use insight or intuition, “I am open to the wisdom within.”
INDIGO – sometimes looks purple
WHITE or VIOLET: Crown Chakra, to know and learn, “I am guided by higher power.”
